A Rudderless existence

Love-has to be one word I have never truly understood.Maybe the reason is that I have never felt real passion for anything.I have never adhered to any ideals or philosophies.Never the one to bound myself by any beliefs, I have always gone with the instinct-be it eating non-vegetarian food for the first time one fine day,drinking alcohol the other day or applying for exchange and Sura on the same day.

I have never had any fixed interest or philosophy in my life with me always believing in adapting and taking things as they come without thinking too much.But at some point of time this lack of direction starts nagging you,starts making you uncomfortable.Whenever someone tells me that he has done something which he always dreamt about or which was one thing he always wanted to do,I always feel a pang of jealousy and sadness at the lack of such moments in my life.I have always wanted to experience something which I have always wanted to but try as hard I could,I havent been able to figure out any such goal or longing.I think this is the reason of my being jack of many trades and master of none.I just havent pursued anything with such force and vigour so as to conquer and master it.I guess these things have never mattered to me much.

Its been the same story in my dealings with people too.I have never been a part of large group.Partly because I could never make the compromises necessary to synchronise myself with the groups needs and habits.Small things mattered to me-maybe because I liked walking faster than others,or eating faster than others or studying alone rather than with others.I realized that for me to become sociable another person would have to make an effort.He/She would have to relentlessly push me,force me and pester to teach me the matters of tact.

Convenient though it was initially for me in pursuing my individualistic goals,I have lately realized that man being a social animal craves the attention of people,friends and well wishers.And its essential to have some beliefs,ideals to defend and goals to achieve which you can go to any lengths.Because in the end its these ideals which give you an identity and its the goals which fire your ambition.A person is known for his culture and his convictions.But one gets an inner satisfaction and sense of tranquility when he fulfills and acts as dictated by his heart rather than his mind.I just hope I find mine before its too late.